


Things to Say

by chelseawinchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean POV, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-09-08 12:03:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8844145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chelseawinchester/pseuds/chelseawinchester





	

There are so many things I want to say to her. I want to tell her all the things I love about her. Her smile. Her laugh. Her intelligence. 

She was the most amazing thing to happen to someone like me. I have no fucking clue how it happened. We met when I was on a hunt. Sam and I were there for several weeks, and we got together a few times. Then we found out she was a hunter and was also on the case. Ever since then, we’d been hunting with her. 

Through everything, she was with me. She was there when I was far from deserving of it--when I was a demon, when the Mark started to change me, even when I felt… something for Amara. She never stopped loving me.

I love her more than anything. She was an amazing hunter; she saved mine and Sam’s asses more times than I can count. She was at least as good as Sam when it came to research. I always call Sam a geek for that, but it was truly amazing. 

She was so beautiful. Her Y/H/C hair and Y/E/C eyes. Her soft skin. The way she was so carefree in the bunker and never cared whether she wore makeup; hell, I don’t know if she owned any makeup. But she didn’t need it to be beautiful. 

And the way she looked in anything. Whether is was just one of my flannels, or a giant sweatshirt and sweats, or a cute little dress. She could wear anything and wear it well.   
Any time we had a break from the life, I would spend it with her. I wanted to make her laugh so that beautiful sound would fill the room. 

I loved laying with her in our room. We didn’t have to be watching anything or talking, we would just lay there. I loved the way she felt against me, her body curled up next to mine, her warmth so comforting. 

But now, seeing her on the pyre, I realize I’m never going to get any of that again. Tears roll down my face seeing the flames lick at her body, and I know I’m to blame. If I had only gone with her on that damn hunt, she’d still be here. We’d be together like we’ve been for so many years. It is my fault; I didn’t go. I know she would have been pissed if I’d insisted, saying I don’t think she can do it on her own, but I was worried. I was always worried about her, and now...

“Dean, you okay?” Sam asks me.

“Fine.” I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t need Sammy trying to say, “No, it’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong, you can’t change it.” It wouldn’t help, nothing would, not even that bottle of whiskey sitting next to my bed. 

I walk away from Sammy and Y/N and head toward Baby. “Fuck!” I yell to no one as I walk, just needing an outlet for my pain and guilt. I need a hunt, something, anything to get my mind off things, but I won’t get it standing in the middle of a field watching my girlfriend’s body fucking burn.

I think about how I let her go. She said she found a hunt in New Mexico and wanted to take it herself. She promised that it wasn’t that she didn’t want me with her, she just hadn’t been on a hunt by herself in a while and wanted to see if she was still as good as she used to be when she hunted alone. She said that if she needed backup she’d call.

She never did. She didn’t call asking Sam and I to go down there, so I assumed she was handling it… until she didn’t call for more than a week. I called over and over again, but she never answered. When I got down there, I found her lying in a pool of blood. She wasn’t breathing. 

I brought her back up to Kansas for the hunter’s funeral. The idea of burning her scared me, but she always insisted, despite the fact that I said I’d find a way to bring her back. Now I’m listening to the fire crackle beneath her.

I hope she’s happy in heaven. I know I’ll probably be up there sooner rather than later, and I sure as hell hope I’m with her. There’s no one I’d rather spend eternity with. I need her. Her smile. Her laugh. Her intelligence.

Her.


End file.
